We can build our own people in ANY way we choose...

bobbyonradar @ 2007-11-16T02:56:00

2007-11-16T07:57:01Z

So Om played at Johnny Brenda's last night. It was the best show I've probably ever been to in my life.

bobbyonradar @ 2007-11-07T17:56:00

2007-11-07T23:05:22Z

Eh I feel like writing in this has been kind of pointless lately. I know I complain a lot but with good reason I think, and since I really don't have many to talk to around here its nice just to get it out whether anyone reads it or not. I finally sort of have a job. I'm basically on call at Relapse Records for now. Not really picking up any hours yet but whatever I still have the unemployment checks rolling in. I'm there enough so I mine as well start getting paid for being there! I have nothing else. I've been writing and recording a lot lately and thats about it. Philadelphia is killing me! It will be nice to use that Relapse money once I get hours to start saving to get the hell out of here!

bobbyonradar @ 2007-10-22T14:21:00

2007-10-22T18:26:56Z

my train trip cross country went like this...

sooo beautiful. here is my coverage thus far in life....

sickkkk

bobbyonradar @ 2007-08-19T05:30:00

2007-08-19T09:32:21Z

So the night before last i slept and slept and slept and when i woke up yesterday at 7:30am i realized that the battery in my alarm fell out and i overslept. i called work and they said they had my shift covered. the best thing about today is that i get to go in to work and either stay or get fired. awesome. just what i need when im $450 in debt.

bobbyonradar @ 2007-08-17T05:35:00

2007-08-17T09:35:28Z

I fucking can't wake up at 5am anymore

bobbyonradar @ 2007-07-15T14:53:00

2007-07-15T18:52:59Z

explosions in the sky are opening for the smashing pumpkins here in october. i dont care what anyone says, its going to be the best fucking show ever.

bobbyonradar @ 2007-07-11T00:15:00

2007-07-11T04:20:49Z

I live in PHILADELPHIA. A lot of people don't know what that means. It means at 5am when I have to be at work, when I ride over a pile puke, though a huge cheese steak line at 4:45am, and almost get hit by a drunk driver, I want to get out. The least amount of recycling in the states almost, let alone people who don't give a shit about anything. And everyone asks me why I want to leave so bad and why I have such a problem with Philadelphia? Sorry, I'm only 24 and have a lot to live for, I don't want to give change to somebody who has never even tried in the 30+ years they have been alive.

bobbyonradar @ 2007-07-09T15:15:00

2007-07-09T19:30:35Z

I think I have shut myself completely off from everyone I know. Not on purpose though. My days are the same, same 5am alarm, same cup of iced coffee, same job, same nap time, same wake up time, same fall back to sleep time. In between all of that I spend 100% of my time searching out even ONE person who plays music in this city that doesn't already have something going on. Once that fails I put 100 things up on ebay and walk around my cramped room decideing what to do that wont cost money. We managed to hook up cable illegally in my house and the same programs and episodes have consumed a lot of my time. I haven't felt like talking to anyone, not even my parents because I have nothing to say. Besides that my phone hasn't rang except for 3 times which was Derek calling me from summer camp but I have yet to get the phone in time. Same roommates who constantly leave the stove on, the door unlocked and open in the worst neighborhood, and garbage everywhere. I just want out already. But to get out I need to take on a second job, and since my current job has enough restrictions you would think it was jail wont let me have a SOMEWHAT set schedule I am screwed. I just need another $100 a week or so. Just something to live off of you know? I don't smoke anymore so I don't buy cigarettes, I don't go out to drink anymore because I don't have one friend here anymore, and I don't eat out because I don't want to waste the money. I even cancelled my netflix. I love my relationship right now a whole lot but at the same time I feel like everything besides that isn't going to get any better or make me happy. I just don't understand whats wrong with me besides how bitter I become the second I walk in the door at 6am and dre cracks the same joke to me EVERYDAY, EVERY FUCKING DAY! Then I'm forced to say good morning to the same 45 people everyday who I know are just going to go out of their way to piss me off. It never fails but if I want to move I just have to stick it out. I can't find a van to purchase either. Plus its been almost impossible for me to sell my car. I just don't know what to do anymore!!!! The only thing I do know is the only thing I'm going to miss about this pretentious city is Flyers hockey games.

bobbyonradar @ 2007-06-29T00:35:00

2007-06-29T04:43:05Z

I hate that feeling like I did something wrong when I don't think I did. This week felt like some kind of fucked up dream that I couldn't wake myself up out of. The heat and humidity is beyong unbearable, and I can barely wake up anymore. I haven't really been drinking, smoking a little bit and trying to stop again. It makes me feel miserable but smoking also feels like the only vice I have sometimes. I've sold almost everything I own on ebay and the anticipation of moving is killing me. No more hot, miserable, and humid weather, no more pretentious kids whos parents bought everything for them and they haven't worked a day in their life, fishing, outdoors, hiking, its driving me nuts! Philadelphia makes me really bitter because everyone who comes to my house or I see around has never ever had stress. They all have parents who bail them out and I haven't had that since I was 16. This isn't the city I want to live in anymore and despite the fact that everyone tries to convince me how great Philly is, it just isn't for me. I don't want to die here. I don't want to raise a family here either. It's just not safe and its getting worse. I can't even go to my corner store without a little 8 year old telling me to give him a dollar or almost getting hit by a firework at 5 fucking 30 am. I know moving to Portland isn't going to solve any of my problems, I know it might not even change anything, I just want to live someplace where I can see a sunrise and smell the air that doesn't involve the smell of weed, dead fish or garbage. It'll be nice to get away from the east coast. I love it to death here but some people have to just move on.

bobbyonradar @ 2007-06-27T15:45:00

2007-06-27T19:51:42Z

I have sold over $400 dollars worth of garbage on ebay this week. Unbelievable that a simple picture, click of a mouse, and a beer earned me more money than I make working 40 hours, stressed out of my mind. By the end of July I will have so much money saved up on top of the fact that I will have almost all of my bills paid off. I am taking the bus to Portland August 8th(maybe) for about a week to look things over and decide what the next step is. I haven't left the house in the past week for any reason but to work and I feel like I am going insane. Ryan is coming tonight but I don't know what we are going to do because I don't have any money to spend with rent coming up on Sunday. I opened up a savings account and all of my ebay money and spare change is going to go into it. I have probably around $200 in spare change I hope. I am off to trade in cds.

bobbyonradar @ 2007-06-23T22:18:00

2007-06-24T02:19:15Z

So my plans for moving out of Philadelphia are almost final.
I'm moving to Portland, OR almost sooner than later I believe. I just have to figure out where to live, what to do with my car, buy a van hopfully for less than I get for my car, and get rid of all of my junk. I've made over $300 bucks off ebay and am putting more things up soon. I just have to get rid of my VHS tapes and some cds. By the end of August I should have enough to move if everything else falls into place. I guess it all really depends on when I start my second job and recording with Setauket and possibly playing the North Star with Joe's band and Black Cobra. I just got back from DC and I'm exhausted and just want to sleep forever then wake up not in Philadelphia. Someday I hope, someday.

P.S. if you haven't heard jena berlin you don't know what you're missing.

bobbyonradar @ 2007-06-15T13:11:00

2007-06-15T17:10:32Z

and to add to it, today is beautiful out.

bobbyonradar @ 2007-06-15T13:02:00

2007-06-15T17:09:30Z

It seems like I'm always saying goodbye. Weather its dropping someone off at the bus for 2 days or just leaving the city in general. Everyone is getting out of Philadelphia. I want to get out of Philadelphia, but I do not have a plan. I am too lazy to make a plan but today, after chainsmoking a pack which is something I stopped doing, I came up with a plan to get out. That involves me getting a second job which is something I've never had to or wanted to do. Its going to be at a cafe where my friend works. Just two days a week or so but I think it will be great. It will get me out of this funk for the time being. The funk meaning going to work for 5 days then haveing two days off in a row and regretting going back to that place. It will take off some of the stress of getting by. On another note I have discovered that a lot of things I own go for a lot of money on ebay. Thats what I've been up to lately. I figure its time to grow up because I have nothing else going on. You can only be a kid for so long and you can only black out everynight so many times to realize that you've hit rock bottom. I'm not saying that I'm going to quit drinking, I'm just saying I'm going to stop using it as an excuse to forget whats really going on around me. My last friend is leaving soon but in the meantime I've forgotten about a few people here and there and am taking time to spend time with them to keep sanity. I have a feeling that within the next year I am going to be married. Maybe 2 years. But I have a feeling and for the first time I have NO problem with that. I may be too young yes and no but if it doesn't work out then its just another path I will have walked on and I'm okay with that.

bobbyonradar @ 2007-06-14T17:49:00

2007-06-14T21:51:22Z

So I started this band that sounds like a mix between amanda woodward and hot water music. Then I woke up and realized that I hate Philadelphia because no one plays music. Then I looked to my left at what was in my bed and realized that this is the only reason I am still here. For the first time ever I am okay with that. Actually more than okay, but something needs to happen soon. I'm going west before the summer is over with lots of places to stay. My mind will be made up at the end of the trip and then once I work things out here I may not be living in Philadelphia any longer. I'm 24, not 18. This place just isn't for me anymore.

bobbyonradar @ 2007-05-27T14:31:00

2007-05-27T18:35:08Z

I really don't have anything to update about. tonight is the last rambo show thank fucking god cause that band is terrible. dropdead is playing though plus im getting in for free thanks to my wonderful gf. im already going to miss pisschrist the only other band i wanna see cause of work so i dont really care about rushing to stand in the 90 degree weather for an hour to get in. other than that its been awesome cause ive seen john and ted a lot the past few weeks but im getting kind of warn out. ive been just like sleeping and working and i hate my job and havent gotten too much time to spend with alex so im in the funk about everything. alls i know is that my a/c is on high and im going to take a crucial shower.

bobbyonradar @ 2007-05-10T21:24:00

2007-05-11T01:30:39Z

i think the only reason i've been coming back to livejournal is because I have NOONE to talk to. my girlfriend yes but i need more than just one person in this world to talk to. no one i know ever answers their phones, for reason im guessing. no one is ever around this city. everyone i have made friends with is totally housebroken and wont ever leave. my sails are raised half mast but not full. i feel like there is so much missing from my life right now. things i should be doing. we are going to record the setauket stuff and i can't wait because its going to actually be a nice reward for time well spent. i miss derek even though we had our ups and downs but he was always there. im going to miss eric thats moving soon. im going to fucking miss everything basically by the beginning of summer. i have no motivation here, no motiv to travel at the moment. i hate my job and i write in a journal everyday. i feel like no body knows me anymore, and i don't know anybody either, but i'm done being selfless and the only one trying to keep friendships. my phone rings once a day and its my dad. i dont even try to be friends with him. it makes me really sad because he is the only one trying.

bobbyonradar @ 2007-05-07T22:24:00

2007-05-08T02:25:29Z

the only update i have is that i stopped smoking, im in love, and i still hate philadelphia and my job. i don't really know what to do about those last two. i wish i had more friends these days, its seems like everyone is really busy and i might be sick of trying. its really depressing. i may be in love but im really still depressed.

bobbyonradar @ 2007-04-23T16:27:00

2007-04-23T20:31:18Z

So I haven't posted in here since the end of feb. Before the end of March hit I had this feeling in my gut that I just didn't want to exist anymore. Not meaning I was suicidal or anything like that, I was just doing things to make myself feel worse and worse everyday. So in responce to my last post, as of the last day of March 2007 it got better. Not just better but perfect. I want to sit around and wonder what is going to kill this, what is going to bring everything back to the way it was. But I'm not going to. I'm going to fucking enjoy this everyday as if it was my last day on earth.

I probably wont post on here much anymore, I haven't even looked at my friends list since january.

bobbyonradar @ 2007-02-24T03:42:00

2007-02-24T08:42:34Z

when does it start to get better?

bobbyonradar @ 2007-01-30T00:17:00

2007-01-30T05:17:48Z

everything basically came crashing down when she said I love you.
Seems like something everyone wants to hear, but when it comes out of a drunk mouth and the only reason she is saying it is to get sex and do this whole mess all over again it can makes anyone feel like I've hit rock bottom if they are a normal human being.
Take 2007. First week, not too bad. Second week, I was so happy about everything, making different decisions about life, changing my ways and seeking new faces and activities. Third week seems like something weird is going to happen in the air. Its getting colder and people are changing their ways, almost as if the city of Philadelphia is becoming as bi-polar as I feel at sometimes. Then comes the almighty forth week where I turn 24 at the end of it. Finishing off my 23rd year saying "I've made some horrible decisions, yet I had a lot of fun seeing people I haven't in so long. I'm learning my lessons slowly and hoping to change a path." Bad news hits like the plague and not only is it me but for everyone else. Health problems with one of my best friends in the city, hearing about break ups left and right and problems with housemates and other friends housemates. All of my money is almost gone on trying to get back to normal meaning that I cannot leave this house for a long long time UNLESS the miracle of finding a cheaper place comes into play. My friend told me that I don't always need to be on the go, or always find something to do that relaxing and spending time at home alone is always the best. Picking up new hobbies, reading more, writing music, fixing bikes all of that stuff. Turns out the more I do that stuff the more I become almost totally antisocial. The reason I can't pick up phones is because I'm scared to talk. I've spent almost the entire month half on the go, half home alone. When I do things alone it makes me go insane. I pace about, finish unfinished projects, start and finish new ones, then run in circles trying to keep busy. I've been trying to sleep more because I work so early but I can't. I fall asleep during prime time like 6-10 everynight and wake up ready to go again, until I fall asleep at 4 and get an hour of sleep and do it all over again. I feel like I'm close to going completely insane but its something I seriously don't want to talk about it. Some of the only friends I have around here are totally into things their own way, when I try to talk to them about whats going on with me about listening to them they change it back to them and I am starting to develop that trait which I HATE! The most best friend in the world to me was one of the only people I could turn to about everything when noone in my current city would listen and its horrible. I'm too scared to pick up the phone because I am losing track of how to talk like a human being. I've never felt so depressed and so alone in my entire life to the point of tears almost everynight. When I change something and set a different path I recieve 100 bad things back. WHY? I wish I could have some human contact even just a hug so I can remember what its like. I've spun quite a web in this city with all of the people that I've met and cannot get unstuck. I'm about to get eaten up and now the question on my mind, typical, but is where am I going to move to next?

bobbyonradar @ 2007-01-14T01:18:00

2007-01-14T06:24:24Z

On the first of the year I said its time to turn things around Bobby. Stopped smoking and shaved my beard, showered more and cleaned up a bit. I do things. I do things to pass the time from thinking of other things. I ride my bike, go record shopping, hang out at other peoples houses for dinner and movies and just relax. But I'm faking it. I'm totally faking it. I get little to no sleep anymore and nothing satisfies me at all. I'm faking it with all of my friends and family just pretending like everythings okay. I've tried. I've taken time for myself to work out issues I hated about myself and I'm done constantly trying to find the solution because the harder I try the less I'm going to find. I know getting away isn't the answer, and I know moving or a new job isn't the answer because as many times as I run those scenarios though my head the more I know its not whats really bothering me. I can feel it in my heart that changing any of those things would do me any good. So I get my glass of water and stack the other side of the bed with pillows, sit in the pitch black listening to the ally cats kill each other and think. I'm done thinking, I've tried everyone but I'm just not happy. What else can I say?

bobbyonradar @ 2007-01-11T18:13:00

2007-01-11T23:17:31Z

ever feel like you have so many friends in the world and spend a whole day with most of them having fun, then you get home and feel like you have noone?
I finally asked katie out tonight, it was weird and i dont think she actually thought i was askin her out. it was akward, then i made up an excuse about how i had to go home to make dinner.
i dont want the achilles kids to leave because they love everything about philly. all the bars i take them too and food joints. i want them to stay and hang out and start a killer band with me. it will never happen but it would be awesome. i wish john could have come down with them this weekend because it should be tons of fun. i need more familiar faces that dont have regrets following right behind them.
the next trip i plan for the spring is going to be one of those trips that i actually might never return from.
i need somebody, but i guess alls thats left are 2 seasons of the oc on dvd.

bobbyonradar @ 2007-01-08T21:57:00

2007-01-09T02:58:13Z

if i could pick up and move back to rochester to be in a band with these kids i would. i wish the only musicians wheren't in rochester ny. i need to go back to sleep.

bobbyonradar @ 2007-01-07T22:25:00

2007-01-08T05:30:40Z

i dont know what to say or how to say it. this year started off like shit, all of the sudden everything seemed to become okay. not good and not shitty but acceptable. Im still sitting around, alone, drinking whatever I can get my hands on but Im trying my hardest to accept the fact of being alone. I have nothing to say to anyone so I avoid everyone. My friends in philly seem few and far between and this is seriously the city of not being able to make friends. Im trying to ignore the fact of a half empty bed by stacking pillows and blankets on the other side and sleeping as little as possible. Ive replaced cigaretts with pot pretty much which is a step, it helps me focus and sleep which is something cigaretts didn't do. Im playing more music with derek and eric, I think its going okay but I can't tell yet. Eric fuckin blends with us so well but the music sometimes just gets old for me sometimes. Its amazing though. Work is terrible but I need the job, it pays too well and the benifits are right. I look everywhere for new jobs, that stuff just doesn't come easy in this city. Everything under the table is too sketchy and everything else pays too little. I get through this job everyday realizing that my paycheck will be about 1,200 every month. I love having the money to blow, no matter how miserable the job makes me. You can't get that much in this city without a degree and I will never go back to school because basically I wont do the work or try. Its not something I can change I just don't care. This whole "bobby you have to change something in your life" this is getting old just because of things like new years resolution. (and melissa i KNOW you will take that the wrong way but you have nothing to do witheveryone stops smoking or drinking or something like that and I just don't want to. I know quitting/cutting back on drinking would be smart but I just don't care. I hate to say it but it makes me happy and social which is something I've tried to work on sober for so long. sad? unbelieveably sad. I know I have to change things but I don't know what they are really other than that. I know I've fucked up so much in the past few months with sex, drugs, relationships, and whatever but if I never tried things in my life how could I say I've ever lived? My attention span can only cover so much and the worthless dumb stuff comes and goes so quickly. I dont know where I was going with this. The next couple of weeks are going to be fun filled with bands, shows, and other company so I should just look foward to that.

its a beautiful day out....

2007-01-02T19:26:52Z

...and I realized why I hate happy people, because I don't think I've ever been happy one day in my entire life.